How do I tell you?

How do I tell you all the things I want you to know? How do I make you see all the things you could have with me? How do I tell you without breaking my own heart in the process?

I desperately want to take that leap of faith and trust that everything will turn out alright but I don't know if I am ready to  hear that you really don't want me like I think you do. I don't know if I can move on. But I hate standing still like I am. I hate the place where I am right now. Stuck just being the one you talk to all the time. Not the one you love. Not the only one you love.

How do I gear up to tell you everything that could possibly put an end to everything? How do I lose you again?

How do I make you understand how much you mean to me? How do I get you to see me?

But how do I go on hearing that you think I'm prettier with my glasses than without? That I turn you just by talking about doing yoga? or hearing that you like having a message waiting from me when you wake up? How do I do all these things and not think that you want more with me but just are too afraid to change your life around?

How am I not enough to make you want to change your life around?

How do I tell you?!

So over the last, well long while actually I have been struggling with trying to let someone close to me go, and at the same time struggling to decide to fight for him. I'm not going to get into details of all the back story because that would take me forever. So this is what you get.

There are many things I want to say to you, but I just don't know how. There are questions I want answers for, that I don't know if I should ask or if I have the right to ask anymore. But I am going to put it out there so that at least it can be out there for someone to read.

I want to fight for you. I wanted to know that I could have fought for you; that I was in the running to be with you, but you never gave me the chance. Why didn't you tell me I might have had another chance?

I want to be the bigger person; be the adult and tell you that I am happy that you are engaged, that your happiness is what matters most. But you're not happy! You told me that. So why pick someone that's not me? Why can't you give me a chance to make you happy? It broke my heart to hear that you were engaged. I cried for ...well I really long time. And I know I had been engaged before to someone else and now I know how that must have felt for you. I'm sorry.

You've told me before that it's because I hurt you once and you're afraid of me doing it again. But this time it's you doing the hurting. Can we just call it even now?

I love you, I am in love with you. I know I can live without you but the truth is I don't want to. I know I can be happy with someone else. But I know I can be happier with you.

When I try to picture my future I can see two things. I am walking down the aisle to some stranger who I probably love and it's someone I have yet to meet and the thought is a little exciting as most new relationships can be. But then I see it not being everything I want it to be. There is always something missing, a feeling that's just not there.

Then the second thing I can see is walking down the aisle to you! With my family on one side and yours on the other. Everyone is smiling but all we see is each other because we know this is where we should have always been. With each other. Making and building a life together. And that is the life that I want! The excitement of the possibility of someone new isn't something I need or want to make me happy, that excitement always fades away. You can make me happy, you are who I want to grow old with, have babies with find new excitement with, ever changing life excitement with.

It's true what they say you don't see yourself clearly. You were and are so down on yourself sometimes thinking that your not good enough. But the last few years I haven't fought for you like I should have. And that's because I didn't feel like I had anything to offer. I wasn't making good money; I had a shit job that I hated. Now that, that is turning around I have plans to move forward with my life; buy a house. But the one thing that always pops into my head is you. I have something more to offer to you and I want to share it with you. We could finally be equals. Well to a certain degree, I know you still make more but now I have something to bring to the table. And now that I have that I see what I didn't have before. I see that I didn't feel worthy of you. You are not the only one that is positive all the time. We all have moments of that. Don't you see how important you are to me? Don't you see that you are fantastic and wonderful, kind, loving, funny, a big kid, and a man that has so much to offer to people? Doesn't she tell you that? Show you that? How can she not? But that's the thing I don't think she does.

We used to lean on each other and we could do that again. We were always good at that. I want to be the one you turn to for everything. Happy times and bad. I want my life to be with you.

I have tried to move forward, but I don't see myself trusting anyone like I have trusted you. Like I still trust you. We have shared so much with each other; even in the last year. Things that I have never felt comfortable sharing with someone else. What does it tell you that we can still share things with each other that we can't share with others. Does your girl know all things I know about you?

I know you are living a different lifestyle right now, but I need to ask you why are you doing it? What makes you want this life style now when you didn't before? You were always the jealous type when we were together. You didn't even like the celebrities I had crushes on. If you could be jealous over me having a poster in a locker then why are you NOT jealous over your fiance sleeping with other men while she is engaged to you? How are you ok with that? I want to know how it truly makes you feel.

Or are you just enjoying the "single" lifestyle while still holding up the facade of being being able to go home to someone? What's the appeal when you can have the security of what we had? Or is it that you truly can't trust me with your heart again? I wish it didn't always come back to that. Does it? If that is your main argument for not being with me, for not choosing me please believe me when I say I will take much better care of your heart a second time around. I know how much it hurts. But I know I can mend it. I know I have the pieces to make it whole again.

Here is the problem I have though if we can't be together. I can't really give my heart to someone because you still have it. You see I told you on April 22, 1999 that I loved you and that never changed. That NEVER stopped! I tried but I didn't; I couldn't, it's always been you. I feel incomplete without you. It's not just a Backstreet Boy song to me, it's how I feel.  Look it up, listen to it and hear me, understand how I feel without you: Incomplete by Backstreet Boys: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVe80iZtlYU&ob=av2e . It's chessy I know but this is me we are talking about. I still have my love for BSB.    :-p

I have thought a lot the last little while about what I would do if I had my time back, if I would still follow the same path and break up with you. And I don't honestly know the answer to that.

There are parts of my life that I happy about; that I like the way they turned out; they have made me a better person and I am not sure they would have happened without the path I chose.

But I hate that I hurt you and the thought of where we might be if things were different breaks my heart. What if we were together married with a couple of kids. I would love that. The thought of that alone makes my heart soar at the possibility of that and it breaks because I might have ruined our chance at having that together.

But then I think what if we still ended up apart but in the process we destroyed each other. I would HATE that more that what I have done. Just the thought of it tears me up inside it makes me think that I wouldn't would change what I did. As much as this hurts the thought of hurting you more kills me. Does that make sense?

So how do I go on right now? Do I tell you all this? Do I fight for you before you break my heart and get married to someone I don't think you are truly happy with? Or do I sit by and watch you marry someone else? How do I make this decision? But how do I go on without you knowing everything before you walk down the aisle to someone else? How do I go on without telling you how much I still want you? How much I want to be held in your arms again? How much I still love you?

New start

I find it amazing how the little things can change how you view yourself, and the world around you.

One wrong word said the wrong way can piss me off so much that all I see is red...and normally the one saying it is my mom. I fully believe that those you are closest too drive you the craziest. But I am not going to talk about that tonight, no this post is more on the positive side.

 I was driving the other day and I realized that I felt good. I was relatively happy. With what I am not so sure but I know I had a smile on my face the wind in my hair (my windows were down and the a/c was off), I was listening too music I love, (so probably New Kids on the Block), and I was happy. I have missed that feeling.

I have known for a long while now that living at home is hard. When you are an adult still living in your childhood home with your parents it's hard on everyone. Your parents still see you as there little girl. And let’s face it sometimes 3 adults in one house is a little stifling. Needless to say that being home and not working for 6 months was hard. I had next to no money to go out anywhere and most of my friends work and are tired and don't go out much during the week...or they live an hour away and gas isn't cheap. So I was home too much not doing much of anything with parents that for all intents and purposes are retired.

But that all changed and starting a new job certainly has changed my perspective A LOT.

I have finished my first two weeks and already I can feel the difference in me. I am out of the house doing something again and it feels good.

Not to mention the fact that I am finally working for a company that takes care of its employees. I have even had great feedback from two different managers on my work. Praise was definitely something that was missing at my last job. Also everyone is nice and there doesn't seem to be much office drama going around...but that may still come out of the wood work, it always does...I am just still too new to know it yet.

Having a purpose again, even if it isn't the path I truly want to follow, is nice. I feel like things are lining up for me.

Little things like having a job to go to 5 days a week, hell just getting out of the house; working towards something new; and meeting new people and not holding back parts of myself in front of them. These are all fairly small things in the grand scheme of things that have gone a long way to changing how I feel. I think it’s a nice step in the right direction.  Now I just need to figure out what direction that is.