Holidays fast approaching and nothing has changed.

It’s coming up to another Christmas; another New Year’s eve and I am still where I was last year, alone.

I want someone for my own someone that makes me smile, that turns me on, someone that I can trust someone that truly wants me and I want them. I said last year that I wouldn't be alone again this year. Looks like nothing has changed because it is still just me.

I feel selfish even stating these things when I am pretty sure the coworker I drive to and from work is interested in me. The problem, I’m not attracted to him. I feel like if I was in a movie or tv show I would give him a chance and go out on a date with him fall in love and then break his heart because as much as I would care for him I wouldn’t be IN love with him. But this is a movie and isn’t tv and I don’t want to hurt him. 

It seems all the men I have the courage to talk to at work all have girlfriends or wives. This needs to change. Change is scary!!

He's Happy ... and doesn't want me, but I am ok with that

Telling him didn’t work.  He still wants someone else. But seeing him and being with him one more night made me realize that he’s happy and happier with her then he would be with me. But I can’t find it in me to be too torn up about him being happy. I wish I could be the one that made him happy but it is going to happen so now I am left alone.

How do I tell you?

How do I tell you all the things I want you to know? How do I make you see all the things you could have with me? How do I tell you without breaking my own heart in the process?

I desperately want to take that leap of faith and trust that everything will turn out alright but I don't know if I am ready to  hear that you really don't want me like I think you do. I don't know if I can move on. But I hate standing still like I am. I hate the place where I am right now. Stuck just being the one you talk to all the time. Not the one you love. Not the only one you love.

How do I gear up to tell you everything that could possibly put an end to everything? How do I lose you again?

How do I make you understand how much you mean to me? How do I get you to see me?

But how do I go on hearing that you think I'm prettier with my glasses than without? That I turn you just by talking about doing yoga? or hearing that you like having a message waiting from me when you wake up? How do I do all these things and not think that you want more with me but just are too afraid to change your life around?

How am I not enough to make you want to change your life around?

How do I tell you?!

So over the last, well long while actually I have been struggling with trying to let someone close to me go, and at the same time struggling to decide to fight for him. I'm not going to get into details of all the back story because that would take me forever. So this is what you get.

There are many things I want to say to you, but I just don't know how. There are questions I want answers for, that I don't know if I should ask or if I have the right to ask anymore. But I am going to put it out there so that at least it can be out there for someone to read.

I want to fight for you. I wanted to know that I could have fought for you; that I was in the running to be with you, but you never gave me the chance. Why didn't you tell me I might have had another chance?

I want to be the bigger person; be the adult and tell you that I am happy that you are engaged, that your happiness is what matters most. But you're not happy! You told me that. So why pick someone that's not me? Why can't you give me a chance to make you happy? It broke my heart to hear that you were engaged. I cried for ...well I really long time. And I know I had been engaged before to someone else and now I know how that must have felt for you. I'm sorry.

You've told me before that it's because I hurt you once and you're afraid of me doing it again. But this time it's you doing the hurting. Can we just call it even now?

I love you, I am in love with you. I know I can live without you but the truth is I don't want to. I know I can be happy with someone else. But I know I can be happier with you.

When I try to picture my future I can see two things. I am walking down the aisle to some stranger who I probably love and it's someone I have yet to meet and the thought is a little exciting as most new relationships can be. But then I see it not being everything I want it to be. There is always something missing, a feeling that's just not there.

Then the second thing I can see is walking down the aisle to you! With my family on one side and yours on the other. Everyone is smiling but all we see is each other because we know this is where we should have always been. With each other. Making and building a life together. And that is the life that I want! The excitement of the possibility of someone new isn't something I need or want to make me happy, that excitement always fades away. You can make me happy, you are who I want to grow old with, have babies with find new excitement with, ever changing life excitement with.

It's true what they say you don't see yourself clearly. You were and are so down on yourself sometimes thinking that your not good enough. But the last few years I haven't fought for you like I should have. And that's because I didn't feel like I had anything to offer. I wasn't making good money; I had a shit job that I hated. Now that, that is turning around I have plans to move forward with my life; buy a house. But the one thing that always pops into my head is you. I have something more to offer to you and I want to share it with you. We could finally be equals. Well to a certain degree, I know you still make more but now I have something to bring to the table. And now that I have that I see what I didn't have before. I see that I didn't feel worthy of you. You are not the only one that is positive all the time. We all have moments of that. Don't you see how important you are to me? Don't you see that you are fantastic and wonderful, kind, loving, funny, a big kid, and a man that has so much to offer to people? Doesn't she tell you that? Show you that? How can she not? But that's the thing I don't think she does.

We used to lean on each other and we could do that again. We were always good at that. I want to be the one you turn to for everything. Happy times and bad. I want my life to be with you.

I have tried to move forward, but I don't see myself trusting anyone like I have trusted you. Like I still trust you. We have shared so much with each other; even in the last year. Things that I have never felt comfortable sharing with someone else. What does it tell you that we can still share things with each other that we can't share with others. Does your girl know all things I know about you?

I know you are living a different lifestyle right now, but I need to ask you why are you doing it? What makes you want this life style now when you didn't before? You were always the jealous type when we were together. You didn't even like the celebrities I had crushes on. If you could be jealous over me having a poster in a locker then why are you NOT jealous over your fiance sleeping with other men while she is engaged to you? How are you ok with that? I want to know how it truly makes you feel.

Or are you just enjoying the "single" lifestyle while still holding up the facade of being being able to go home to someone? What's the appeal when you can have the security of what we had? Or is it that you truly can't trust me with your heart again? I wish it didn't always come back to that. Does it? If that is your main argument for not being with me, for not choosing me please believe me when I say I will take much better care of your heart a second time around. I know how much it hurts. But I know I can mend it. I know I have the pieces to make it whole again.

Here is the problem I have though if we can't be together. I can't really give my heart to someone because you still have it. You see I told you on April 22, 1999 that I loved you and that never changed. That NEVER stopped! I tried but I didn't; I couldn't, it's always been you. I feel incomplete without you. It's not just a Backstreet Boy song to me, it's how I feel.  Look it up, listen to it and hear me, understand how I feel without you: Incomplete by Backstreet Boys: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVe80iZtlYU&ob=av2e . It's chessy I know but this is me we are talking about. I still have my love for BSB.    :-p

I have thought a lot the last little while about what I would do if I had my time back, if I would still follow the same path and break up with you. And I don't honestly know the answer to that.

There are parts of my life that I happy about; that I like the way they turned out; they have made me a better person and I am not sure they would have happened without the path I chose.

But I hate that I hurt you and the thought of where we might be if things were different breaks my heart. What if we were together married with a couple of kids. I would love that. The thought of that alone makes my heart soar at the possibility of that and it breaks because I might have ruined our chance at having that together.

But then I think what if we still ended up apart but in the process we destroyed each other. I would HATE that more that what I have done. Just the thought of it tears me up inside it makes me think that I wouldn't would change what I did. As much as this hurts the thought of hurting you more kills me. Does that make sense?

So how do I go on right now? Do I tell you all this? Do I fight for you before you break my heart and get married to someone I don't think you are truly happy with? Or do I sit by and watch you marry someone else? How do I make this decision? But how do I go on without you knowing everything before you walk down the aisle to someone else? How do I go on without telling you how much I still want you? How much I want to be held in your arms again? How much I still love you?

New start

I find it amazing how the little things can change how you view yourself, and the world around you.

One wrong word said the wrong way can piss me off so much that all I see is red...and normally the one saying it is my mom. I fully believe that those you are closest too drive you the craziest. But I am not going to talk about that tonight, no this post is more on the positive side.

 I was driving the other day and I realized that I felt good. I was relatively happy. With what I am not so sure but I know I had a smile on my face the wind in my hair (my windows were down and the a/c was off), I was listening too music I love, (so probably New Kids on the Block), and I was happy. I have missed that feeling.

I have known for a long while now that living at home is hard. When you are an adult still living in your childhood home with your parents it's hard on everyone. Your parents still see you as there little girl. And let’s face it sometimes 3 adults in one house is a little stifling. Needless to say that being home and not working for 6 months was hard. I had next to no money to go out anywhere and most of my friends work and are tired and don't go out much during the week...or they live an hour away and gas isn't cheap. So I was home too much not doing much of anything with parents that for all intents and purposes are retired.

But that all changed and starting a new job certainly has changed my perspective A LOT.

I have finished my first two weeks and already I can feel the difference in me. I am out of the house doing something again and it feels good.

Not to mention the fact that I am finally working for a company that takes care of its employees. I have even had great feedback from two different managers on my work. Praise was definitely something that was missing at my last job. Also everyone is nice and there doesn't seem to be much office drama going around...but that may still come out of the wood work, it always does...I am just still too new to know it yet.

Having a purpose again, even if it isn't the path I truly want to follow, is nice. I feel like things are lining up for me.

Little things like having a job to go to 5 days a week, hell just getting out of the house; working towards something new; and meeting new people and not holding back parts of myself in front of them. These are all fairly small things in the grand scheme of things that have gone a long way to changing how I feel. I think it’s a nice step in the right direction.  Now I just need to figure out what direction that is.

Looking for Hope...among other things.

I feel sad a lot lately. Mostly because I feel like I have lost my hope. I don't feel hopeless though. I have hope that my hope will come back I just don't know when. Will it come back when I am happier in life? How do you become happy? Is it weird to hope for hope?

I am searching and not entirely sure what I am searching for but "hoping" that when I find it I will know.

I started a new job this week. It is just a 7 month contact for now. I have been told that they usually hire people on at the end of the contact. And before I started I didn't quite know if I would want to stay on or not. You see I want to go back to school. A big part of me wants to me a social worker and help kids and youth out with their problems. However, I am also making a movie with some friends that we "hope" will be good enough to get into the festival circuit. And another big part of me wants the life that could open up in front of me if we are successful. But I don't want to jinx us by hoping for a great outcome.

I think for the most part I am afraid to hope. Too many things that I have hoped for in the recent past haven't turned out. In fact most of them failed miserably.

I hope to be someone different, and I want to be someone different but I don't know how to set the wheels in motion for that. If anyone has any advice I would love to hear it. In fact I would love someone to take over the controls for me, I want to be done with a lot of the major decision making. Being an adult SUCKS!

I am scared to hope that I will find love again because what happens if it blows up in my face like it did last time. What if after all this time I can't love like I want to. I want to be everything for someone and to someone, but what if I can't. I know logically I can't be EVERYTHING. But I want to be someone's Ariel or Cinderella. Just like I want to have my Prince Eric or Prince Charming. It seems silly! Life isn't a fairytale but why can't we have a part of that?

I want the good the bad and the ugly, the down right filthy nasty too hot to handle with someone, but how do you hope that it will come to you when all you have had is lies?

I enjoy reading fanfiction. I enjoy the escape it provides. But lately as I read it I keep wondering if these fantastic unpublish novels are just like the fairytales that we are told can't be reality. The men in most of the fanfiction stories seem so unlike anyone I have met that I wonder if they are real at all. Or could it possibly be that I just don't know that many guys that aren't apart of my family or close friends. Do these women base their male characters on men in their lives or is all a fantasy of who they want to be with? Or is it what they want their men to be like but don't have the guts to tell them?

I also think as I read the authors bio and see that someone is married with kids, how do I get that and have this in my life? I want to have it all, but I am terrified to hope for it!

WANTING...

I was downtown Toronto this past week. Stayed in a very upscale hotel in Yorkville and felt like I belonged and now that I am home, I am left wanting...

 

 Wanting a life that I can't afford.

Wanting a love of my own. Someone who can't stand to be without me. Who loves me for all my craziness and uniqueness.

Wanting to belong.

Wanting to hold some one's hand in mine throughout life.

Wanting to be lost in someone else's control. To be moved into a position of their choosing knowing that ultimate pleasure will await us both.

Wanting to feel a kick from the inside and know that the love I share with my mate is creating a little piece of each of us to live on.

Wanting a job that will take me places that I can't even dream about now for fear of never being able to reach them.

Wanting to be happy.

I see so many people pass me by in the street and it feels like they are passing me by in life. I am staying still because of past choices but trying to move forward. Desperate to move in the direction of my choosing but having a brick wall to learn to climb without being able to move my feet.

Wanting to find new passions in the little things I enjoy doing.

Wanting to reach my potential but I don't know how.

Wanting to take a leap but scared of the fall!!

 

Please note that photos were taken from weheartit.com and are not my pictures nor do I have claim to them besides illustrating my point.

Feeding 3 Adults Can Be Frustrating!

As a kid I always hated to be told what I had to eat. I always thought that as an adult I would get to chose what I wanted to eat and when I wanted to eat it. No one ever told me that just because I am an adult doesn't always mean I get to make a decision about my own food choices, especially since I am living with my parents.

I have recently been reading a book called "The 4-Hour Body" by Timothy Ferriss. It talks about weight loss and what not. It has fairly simple guidelines to follow, ones that I am about to start following myself. Mostly (at least to start, and or depending on what type of results you are looking for) it deals with a low carb diet that you follow for 6 days a week and then one day a week you week you eat whatever you want. (And yes there is a science behind it but I am not going to explain it. If you want to find out for yourself then go and buy/read the book. It's actually a good read and makes lots of sense. I recommed it to anyone).

So as I get ready to start this new way of eating I have been trying to plan meals for the week. Which is proving to be difficult. Neither of my parents are going to be cutting out the same foods I am, which means I have to cook different side dishes for them. See I won't be eating any potatoes, rice or bread, etc but my parents will be. So I will be making a little bit of everything. Talk about temptation!

As I set things in motion to start this new way of eating I have tried to explain how things will go. My mom is being really supportive and trying to help me as much as possible. My dad on the other hand doesn't understand it at all. In fact I anticipate being pissed off on Saturday when I am allowed to eat whatever I want and my dad yells at me for eating something I shouldn't. Yes, he does still think I am 15 at times. I always seem to get a look and then a condescending quick talk of 'are you sure you should be eating that, I thought you were staying away from those kinds of foods now.' I can already hear it.

So cooking is where I run into issues. Although my dad doesn't get it he still thinks it's a good idea and has told me to go for. However, even now when I cook healthier meals with lots of veggies he walks into the kitchen and makes a comment like 'oh veggies again, where's the good stuff.' Now I am not quite sure what good stuff he is talking about. We always still have meat and 98% of the time potatoes and then some other veggies to go with it. Tonight however was pork with veggies and rice. (All of which were super delicious). My dad barely took any and was not impressed at all.

I can just imagine what he is going to say if he finds out that from now on I am going to be sneaking legumes into some of his favorite foods like potatoes. I think he would never eat my food again. And lets not talk about the fish I am going to start having once every week or every other week. From the fish hater it's not going to go over well at all! He can't even handle the smell of fish cooking. LOL well this time I have to do what's good for me (and my mom) I am not going to make him eat anything he doesn't want to, but I can't let him stop me. Not for this, not when it's my health that could be on the line. I want to be a healthier person. and god-darnit I will be!

I still would like to go back to my 16 y/o self and say "self get used to it"...well I would actually tell myself to not major in theatre and film studies in university because I really won't go into the field like I thought I would, but that's another story!

Frustrations!

So I should warn you...I suck at updating...I just don't have the time...or I don't make the time...take your pick. Also I am writing for me to get things off my chest because I just need to sometimes.

To start I live at home out of necessity not because I want to be here. But it's also not like I don't appreciate having parents who care and offer me a free place to stay. That means the world to me. I love my parents with all my heart!

... however, this is not to say that it isn't hard being at home at 28 years old. IT SUCKS.

I have no problem helping out around the house. I cook as often as I can for the three of us, and I help keep the house clean. I even get along with both my parents really well.

The parts that I have trouble with is being in the house when they fight. It is one thing I always hated to hear when I was growing up; them yelling at each other. I remember being ready for church one Sunday morning in the front hall  with my coat and shoes on waiting, but my parents were upstairs fighting about something. My brother came down the stairs to get his coat and shoes on and saw me crying. He asked me why I was crying and I told him that I was worried they were going to get a divorce. Being the good big brother that he is he calmed me down said not to worry they would never get a divorce they just fight sometimes.

To this day I still HATE when my parents fight. Now however it's for different reasons. I know enough to know that my parents will stick it out for the long haul. They have been married 40 years that won't change. What has changed though is now I get pulled into things by both of them. On the days following a nasty fight one or both of them will come and talk to me and air out how they feel. It SUCKS! I have told them as such.

Now they don't ask me what they think per say...I am never asked to take sides but I am always the one that is the sounding board. They like to talk out the argument, just not with each other. That is a big problem right there. If you are reading this and are married then please talk to each other about the fight. NOTHING gets solved if you talk to someone else who isn't involved. Communication is key and all that shit.

What's also changed is that I can see where they are going wrong when they fight and can't do anything about it. They make the mistake that I am sure a lot of married couples make; when one tells the other one what they think and it's hurtful then  the hurt person retaliates and says something hurtful back. It's a horrible cycle and then your fighting about everything under the sun and you get to a point where you don't remember what the original argument was about.

My parents do this ALL the time! They listen to each other but they don't hear each other...or maybe it's they hear each other but they don't listen to each other. Either way they never and I mean never acknowledge what the other has said.

I find it funny that growing up all I heard from both my parents was two wrongs don't make a right, but yet they do it all the time and think it's ok. Hell I don't think they realize exactly what they are doing.

So here I am at 28 listening to my parents fight and hating it as much as I did when I was no older then 7.

I have to stay out of it and I try my best to, even when I am sucked into it by them. So when someone tells me that I have it lucky that I am living at home at 28 I want to say to ask them, 'are you married?, do you fight with your partner?, how would you like it if you had another adult living in the same house to hear you fight? what if you were that other person always on the outside like that being forced to look in. It's not all sunshine and daisies living at home.' I would much rather being living on my own then with (for lack of a better term) an old married couple.