New start

I find it amazing how the little things can change how you view yourself, and the world around you.

One wrong word said the wrong way can piss me off so much that all I see is red...and normally the one saying it is my mom. I fully believe that those you are closest too drive you the craziest. But I am not going to talk about that tonight, no this post is more on the positive side.

 I was driving the other day and I realized that I felt good. I was relatively happy. With what I am not so sure but I know I had a smile on my face the wind in my hair (my windows were down and the a/c was off), I was listening too music I love, (so probably New Kids on the Block), and I was happy. I have missed that feeling.

I have known for a long while now that living at home is hard. When you are an adult still living in your childhood home with your parents it's hard on everyone. Your parents still see you as there little girl. And let’s face it sometimes 3 adults in one house is a little stifling. Needless to say that being home and not working for 6 months was hard. I had next to no money to go out anywhere and most of my friends work and are tired and don't go out much during the week...or they live an hour away and gas isn't cheap. So I was home too much not doing much of anything with parents that for all intents and purposes are retired.

But that all changed and starting a new job certainly has changed my perspective A LOT.

I have finished my first two weeks and already I can feel the difference in me. I am out of the house doing something again and it feels good.

Not to mention the fact that I am finally working for a company that takes care of its employees. I have even had great feedback from two different managers on my work. Praise was definitely something that was missing at my last job. Also everyone is nice and there doesn't seem to be much office drama going around...but that may still come out of the wood work, it always does...I am just still too new to know it yet.

Having a purpose again, even if it isn't the path I truly want to follow, is nice. I feel like things are lining up for me.

Little things like having a job to go to 5 days a week, hell just getting out of the house; working towards something new; and meeting new people and not holding back parts of myself in front of them. These are all fairly small things in the grand scheme of things that have gone a long way to changing how I feel. I think it’s a nice step in the right direction.  Now I just need to figure out what direction that is.

Looking for Hope...among other things.

I feel sad a lot lately. Mostly because I feel like I have lost my hope. I don't feel hopeless though. I have hope that my hope will come back I just don't know when. Will it come back when I am happier in life? How do you become happy? Is it weird to hope for hope?

I am searching and not entirely sure what I am searching for but "hoping" that when I find it I will know.

I started a new job this week. It is just a 7 month contact for now. I have been told that they usually hire people on at the end of the contact. And before I started I didn't quite know if I would want to stay on or not. You see I want to go back to school. A big part of me wants to me a social worker and help kids and youth out with their problems. However, I am also making a movie with some friends that we "hope" will be good enough to get into the festival circuit. And another big part of me wants the life that could open up in front of me if we are successful. But I don't want to jinx us by hoping for a great outcome.

I think for the most part I am afraid to hope. Too many things that I have hoped for in the recent past haven't turned out. In fact most of them failed miserably.

I hope to be someone different, and I want to be someone different but I don't know how to set the wheels in motion for that. If anyone has any advice I would love to hear it. In fact I would love someone to take over the controls for me, I want to be done with a lot of the major decision making. Being an adult SUCKS!

I am scared to hope that I will find love again because what happens if it blows up in my face like it did last time. What if after all this time I can't love like I want to. I want to be everything for someone and to someone, but what if I can't. I know logically I can't be EVERYTHING. But I want to be someone's Ariel or Cinderella. Just like I want to have my Prince Eric or Prince Charming. It seems silly! Life isn't a fairytale but why can't we have a part of that?

I want the good the bad and the ugly, the down right filthy nasty too hot to handle with someone, but how do you hope that it will come to you when all you have had is lies?

I enjoy reading fanfiction. I enjoy the escape it provides. But lately as I read it I keep wondering if these fantastic unpublish novels are just like the fairytales that we are told can't be reality. The men in most of the fanfiction stories seem so unlike anyone I have met that I wonder if they are real at all. Or could it possibly be that I just don't know that many guys that aren't apart of my family or close friends. Do these women base their male characters on men in their lives or is all a fantasy of who they want to be with? Or is it what they want their men to be like but don't have the guts to tell them?

I also think as I read the authors bio and see that someone is married with kids, how do I get that and have this in my life? I want to have it all, but I am terrified to hope for it!

WANTING...

I was downtown Toronto this past week. Stayed in a very upscale hotel in Yorkville and felt like I belonged and now that I am home, I am left wanting...

 

 Wanting a life that I can't afford.

Wanting a love of my own. Someone who can't stand to be without me. Who loves me for all my craziness and uniqueness.

Wanting to belong.

Wanting to hold some one's hand in mine throughout life.

Wanting to be lost in someone else's control. To be moved into a position of their choosing knowing that ultimate pleasure will await us both.

Wanting to feel a kick from the inside and know that the love I share with my mate is creating a little piece of each of us to live on.

Wanting a job that will take me places that I can't even dream about now for fear of never being able to reach them.

Wanting to be happy.

I see so many people pass me by in the street and it feels like they are passing me by in life. I am staying still because of past choices but trying to move forward. Desperate to move in the direction of my choosing but having a brick wall to learn to climb without being able to move my feet.

Wanting to find new passions in the little things I enjoy doing.

Wanting to reach my potential but I don't know how.

Wanting to take a leap but scared of the fall!!

 

Please note that photos were taken from weheartit.com and are not my pictures nor do I have claim to them besides illustrating my point.