Looking for Hope...among other things.

I feel sad a lot lately. Mostly because I feel like I have lost my hope. I don't feel hopeless though. I have hope that my hope will come back I just don't know when. Will it come back when I am happier in life? How do you become happy? Is it weird to hope for hope?

I am searching and not entirely sure what I am searching for but "hoping" that when I find it I will know.

I started a new job this week. It is just a 7 month contact for now. I have been told that they usually hire people on at the end of the contact. And before I started I didn't quite know if I would want to stay on or not. You see I want to go back to school. A big part of me wants to me a social worker and help kids and youth out with their problems. However, I am also making a movie with some friends that we "hope" will be good enough to get into the festival circuit. And another big part of me wants the life that could open up in front of me if we are successful. But I don't want to jinx us by hoping for a great outcome.

I think for the most part I am afraid to hope. Too many things that I have hoped for in the recent past haven't turned out. In fact most of them failed miserably.

I hope to be someone different, and I want to be someone different but I don't know how to set the wheels in motion for that. If anyone has any advice I would love to hear it. In fact I would love someone to take over the controls for me, I want to be done with a lot of the major decision making. Being an adult SUCKS!

I am scared to hope that I will find love again because what happens if it blows up in my face like it did last time. What if after all this time I can't love like I want to. I want to be everything for someone and to someone, but what if I can't. I know logically I can't be EVERYTHING. But I want to be someone's Ariel or Cinderella. Just like I want to have my Prince Eric or Prince Charming. It seems silly! Life isn't a fairytale but why can't we have a part of that?

I want the good the bad and the ugly, the down right filthy nasty too hot to handle with someone, but how do you hope that it will come to you when all you have had is lies?

I enjoy reading fanfiction. I enjoy the escape it provides. But lately as I read it I keep wondering if these fantastic unpublish novels are just like the fairytales that we are told can't be reality. The men in most of the fanfiction stories seem so unlike anyone I have met that I wonder if they are real at all. Or could it possibly be that I just don't know that many guys that aren't apart of my family or close friends. Do these women base their male characters on men in their lives or is all a fantasy of who they want to be with? Or is it what they want their men to be like but don't have the guts to tell them?

I also think as I read the authors bio and see that someone is married with kids, how do I get that and have this in my life? I want to have it all, but I am terrified to hope for it!